A New Foreign Feeling

This evening I discovered something about myself; I can't stand jealousy... well being the 'jealous' one that is. It's going to be hard to believe but I don't know how to handle it. I've coveted people who have pets and I get jealous when I see something I can't have i.e: food

BUT I've never been exactly jealous over love stuff eh... well correction more like over a BOY.

For the past month and half I realized that I have grown fond of this male-guy-person. I won't specify who...though no one really reads this so I might as well say who it is but I will keep it anonymous for effect.

Basically in addition to his fading interest towards me, I saw pictures on this guy's page that I probably shouldn't have looked at for more than 2 minutes. I swear it felt like getting kick in the face and if I knew the sensation of getting kicked in the rocks then I'd compare it to that, too. I even read the captions and comments under the photos! Y'know just to torture myself, that sort of thing. To say the least it was not the most pleasant time of my life.

Then it took me exactly 3 more minutes to realize that I was being a creeper.

I thought to myself, "Wow you're reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally lame."

Having said that -- I kept looking at the damn pictures. I wanted to get out of the room away from it but I couldn't get myself to stop looking. So I went through the phases:

First there was the being SHOCKED. Like "Oh I'm replaced" kind of shock. Then came the angry and I hit the counter with my fist very hard. Then I got even angrier because it hurt my hand. Within 10 seconds I proceeded to another emotion and I felt this crying feeling and as a result of thinking I might cry made me start to laugh hysterically. Yep alone in front of my computer like an insane person.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaack.

No worries, I did not cry. I could've if I wanted to. Anyway I'm not sure why I'm feeling this...

Do I really like him that much or was it just me being strange which is the norm OR maybe it's because he is no longer paying attention to me like before?? Hmm

Either way my point is; I am a wack job... where is my straitjacket?!


After awhile I felt this painful stabbing-throbbing sensation in my heart. I know it sounds corny, but it really did feel like that. I even talked to some close friends and they all disapprove of this little fiasco I've made for myself. Anyway my sources tell me that this shall pass.

I really really really really really really really really really really really fucking hope so because I am definitely not cut out to be the jealous type. It's so tiring and it's hurting my insides a lot.


-elle